I'm on dial-up only so the "I am my own DJ" stuff is going to be impossible, but posting text still is.
We'll see....
- Mood:
thoughtful
The best thing about the diagnosis is that I can finally feel like all this pain I've had for the last 15 years is not all my fault. It's not because I'm obese, it's not because I'm unfit, it's not because it's all in my head, it's because I have fibromyalgia.
so there
I'm glad Obama will be president.
I feel like I have gotten involved with a community that supports values like mine since I became an adult. I feel like my community has spread and now we are a nation.
I felt that the presidency was for old white guys who would never understand the rest of the nation. I feel like the presidency will be more compassionate, more inclusive, and more effective with Obama.
I am a happy girl.
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kimya_dawson_ is coming back to town according to her blog. Yay. I might even go see her again. You should too. It's a family show (starts at 3pm). It is to support the release of her new CD for kids - Alphabutt - the perfect gift for any little person or big person who likes songs with catchy tunes about poop (please note the approach of the "holiday season").Aloha
I've been pondering the Meaning of Life lately. Especially the meaning of my life. Additionally, I've been pondering my purpose in life. No, seriously.
This is not some existential exercise for a philosophy class or something to be the root of my prayers, it's a real issue I've been thinking an awful lot about lately. Taking a step back from the business of life, I've been watching what I do and what motivates me and wondering where all of that comes from. I don't like the answer.
What is the meaning of your life? What is your purpose? Do you ever even think about it?
I'm checking into others who have thought about this and I'm finding some interesting thoughts.
BoxingScene
Steve Pavlina
Monty Python
Eduardo Reisinho
Stanford University
Wikipedia
- Desire is the key to motivation, but it's determination and commitment to an unrelenting pursuit of your goal - a commitment to excellence - that will enable you to attain the success you seek. ~ Mario Andretti
- I don't believe people are looking for the meaning of life as much as they are looking for the experience of being alive. ~ Joseph Campbell
- Life is without meaning. You bring the meaning to it. The meaning of life is whatever you ascribe to it. Being alive is the meaning. ~Joseph Campbell
- Ability is what you're capable of doing. Motivation determines what you do. Attitude determines how well you do it. ~ Raymond Chandler
- What do you want meaning for? Life is a desire, not a meaning. ~Charlie Chaplin
- If you must have motivation, think of your paycheck on Friday. ~ Noel Coward
- It was all about wanting to get revenge. Pathetic, really, but it still is the motivation. ~ Julian Clary
- For the meaning of life differs from man to man, from day to day, from hour to hour. What matters, therefore, is not the meaning of life in general, but rather the specific meaning of a person's life at a given moment. ~ Viktor Frankl
- Challenging the meaning of life is the truest expression of the state of being human. ~Viktor Frankl
- Hope is feeling that life and work have meaning. You wither have it or you don't, regardless of the state of the world that surrounds you. ~Vaclav Havel
- Sometimes I wonder if suicides aren't in fact the sad guardians of the meaning of life. ~ Vaclav Havel
- Efforts and courage are not enough without purpose and direction. ~ John F. Kennedy
- Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose. ~ Garrison Keillor
- True happiness... is not attained through self-gratification, but through fidelity to a worthy purpose. ~ Helen Keller
- The meaning of life is not to be discovered only after death in some hidden, mysterious realm; on the contrary, it can be found by eating the succulent fruit of the Tree of Life and by living in the here and now as fully and creatively as we can. ~Paul Kurtz
- If religion had a good purpose, then man would have created something great. But we're man: we mess up everything. We mess up nature. We mess up God. We take what is given to us and make it into what we think it should be. ~ Ziggy Marley
- We do not find the meaning of life by ourselves alone - we find it with another. ~Thomas Merton
- A pilgrim is a wanderer with purpose. ~ Peace Pilgrim
- Singleness of purpose is one of the chief essentials for success in life, no matter what may be one's aim. ~ John D. Rockefeller
- My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I'm happy. I can't figure it out. What am I doing right? ~ Charles M. Schulz
- The sole meaning of life is to serve humanity. ~Leo Tolstoy
- People need a sacred narrative. They must have a sense of larger purpose, in one form or another, however intellectualized. They will find a way to keep ancestral spirits alive. ~ E. O. Wilson
- Location:the library
- Mood:
weird
OK, I'm kinda back.
The summer was a long, crazy one and it's OVER!
Just to catch you up in brief, I was in the hospital for a week, I stopped working, I've gotten really super healthy and am getting even better all the time, Ziv has been falling apart and started mean, then got really mean, we broke up, I moved out, and here I am.
To be honest, I haven't missed blogging a whole lot. Life was just too unpredictable and chaotic and often too painful and distracting to bother putting into words for the whole world to cache.
I'm back now. I kind of decided I needed to be when I started thinking about what I would write, even before I officially decided to start writing again.
I'm on a much scaled back life right now. I've done some downsizing in just about every category. Right now I don't have internet at home and since I broke the screen on my laptop, I can't surf from coffee shops without dragging around a free standing monitor, soooo I'm using the library. That restricts the posts a bit.
Besides all that, fall is here. Last night was cold enough for a jacket and today I'm wearing wool socks. I have to say my fall wardrobe is my favorite. Just last week I was refolding my sweaters after unpacking them from cold-weather-clothes storage and lovingly putting them on the shelf. Today I'm wearing my blue/brown striped sweater with my brown cordoroy jacket and my favorite khaki pants. Life couldn't be better (fashion wise). It so nice (and shallow?) to feel so nice about one's self with a little textile pick me up.
Oops, I'm getting the count-down alert from the library computer system. I should go. I hope you're all happy and well.
1) Look at the list and bold those you have read.
2) Italicize those you intend to read.
3) Underline the books you LOVE.
4) Reprint this list in your own LJ so we can try and track down these people who've read 6 and force books upon them ;-)
- Location:the couch
- Mood:
passing the time
Bless ya hun, where ever you are.
aloha
Jen
Jen
- Location:home
- Mood: thoughtful
Ziv makes a tofu that is dusted with nutritional yeast and herbs and spices, then it is cooked in a little bit of canola oil. I'm kind hooked on that. I make about 20oz of tofu that way a week and bring it to work for lunch or have it for breakfast. In this, I've discovered that nutritional yeast is darn tasty. It has kind of a nutty cheesy flavor like parmesan cheese. I started reading up on it and its chock full of vitaims and protein. Turns out one really common way people eat it is to add it to their popcorn.
Last night, I made popcorn for Ziv and I and in another pan, on the side, I toasted up some nutritional yeast with a little butter for me to add to mine. We were sitting at the table eating the popcorn and I was eating the NY when all of a sudden, my face felt like it was really, really sunburned. I got Ziv's attention and said "look at this". "Whoa, hunny, did you just eat a bunch of nutritional yeast?" Yea.
It turns out that nutritional yeast has a super amount of B vitamins. I knew about the B12, but I also know that since surgery, I don't really absorb B12 very well from food. Apparently it has a lot of OTHER B vitamins in it too and by eating that much of it (instead of the amount that is normally just dusted on my tofu) I overdid it on the niacin and had a "niacin flush". Ziv recognized it right away. I on the other hand, thought I was maybe going to die.
I'd had some brandy at that point and all of a sudden it hit me like hard. Ziv took me up to bed. At some point, I got up to go to the bathroom and got lost in our bedroom after the lights were out (I think I was sleep walking) and had to wake her up by saying her name so she could turn on a light for me. That scared me too.
I'm awake now (really to freakin early in the morning, thank you). I've since read about niacin flush. It's not apparently dangerous. I've found a few websites that talk about how it's great for detoxification. Apparently the niacin causes the body to release a lot of histamine and it makes all of your small blood vessels dialate. From what I've read so far, it lowers the cholesterol in your blood stream and can ease anxiety and help you relax. Possibly the reason I needed to go to bed immediately afterward.
Ah the things we learn and the stupid ways we learn them.....
EDIT:
Ok, strike that. Turns out really ODing on naicin IS really harmful. It can cause high blood sugar, damage the liver, cause heart rhythm disruption and cause blindness. So when I felt like I could maybe be dying, I was probably right.
Bad niacin! Bad, bad bad bad BAD!
Had an anxiety attack on the way home - not bike related....
Now I'm in a lorazastupor watching PBS. Damn, I'm such a rebel.
PBS Rocks!
It makes me want for Hawai'i.
It wants me to read more about Hawai'i. Funny because I just started re-reading Molokai last night. Someone at work today told me about this documentary, but she had no idea when it was going to be on again. But it was on again tonight. It must be fate.
"Na Kamalei: The Men of Hula"
Last night someone broke through the back window and took that backpack. It contained:
- Red Cross reflective vest
- Red Cross clipboard with paperwork for responding to disasters\
- First aid kit
- Flashlight
- Pair of heavy black work boots
- Pair of heavy socks
I hope they feel like complete and total assholes.
I hope karma really is a bitch.
I decided to wear the helmet this morning for safety. It's not like I'm going to fall very far if I fall off my bike. Going over the handle bars would take a very freaky weird kind of accident, so that's not a possibility, but a few weeks ago the guys at the bike shop kind of scared me when they were talking about how hard it will be for cars and trucks and vans to see me because my bike is so low to the ground. They wanted me to get an orange flag to put on the back and suggested some other stuff that spooked me. But a flag on the back? I don't think so. I don't think I could live with a flag whipping around over my head. No way. I guess that's where I draw my dork line.
But I did it. I rode my bike to work. I didn't die, I didn't get hurt, and I didn't even get scared. Lil YAY for me.
Aloha
EDIT:
Stella was still there when I got off work - all pieces still attached. I made it home just fine, though traffic was heavier. All is well. I'm pretty sure I'll do it again. - j
Now I have an Irish girls tan - I'm a deeper shade of pale.
Yea, baby. Deeper shade of pale
At least it doesn't hurt.
Itchy as hell tho.
aloha
Sunburn isn't really a goal of mine at this age. In the past, it was "required" to start my tanning season, but as I'm getting older, I realize it's not worth the pain and I don't need anything else that's preventable going on in my life to make me look older or potentially cause illness.
But I did get sunburned.
We went to the May Day parade and festival. It was the first time I've seen the parade and only the second time I've seen the pagent. Ziv asked me if I had sunscreen on and I said no. I really didn't think I needed it. Turns out I did. I was wearing a t-shirt and rolled up jeans. I started to feel warm and covered up my arms. By evening I was pink. When I woke up the next morning my face was shiny and red. My arms below my sleeve line were red and hot. I wasn't miserable, but I had a bit of pain if anything rubbed my arms and I looked ridiculous with my face all splotchy red.
It's better now, which is good. I've got to be a microphone runner at a speaker event today and I've got to teach a Red Cross class tonight.
Moisturizer and drinking lots of water. Hoping my face doesn't look all Lizard girl soon.
aloha.
I'm so broke, I go to KFC and lick other peoples fingers.
I'm so broke me and my girlfriend got married for the rice.
I'm so broke, if a trip around the world cost a nickel, I wouldn't have enough to leave the couch!
I'm so broke that I just went into McDonald's and put a small fry on layaway.
If pickles were 10 cents a truckload I couldn't buy a wart off a cucumber!
I'm so broke, just to rub two nickels together, I'd have to borrow one.
We were so broke, that at Christmas, all we could exchange was glances.
I'm so broke, the bank asked for their calendar back.
I'm so broke, long distance companies don't even call me to switch!
If I stopped on a dime, I'd probably owe it to someone.
I ain't broke, but I'm severely bent.
Someone saw me kicking a can down the street, and when asked what I was doing I said, "Moving."
I'm so broke I can't afford to pay attention!
A guy walked into our house, stepped on a cigarette and my Mom yelled, "Who turned off the heat?"
I'm so broke that when someone saw my Mom walking down the street with one shoe, they said, "Hey, you lost a shoe." She said, "No, I found one."
We're so broke that if someone rings our doorbell I have to yell, "Ding Dong!" out the window.I'm so broke,I can't even spend the night.
yo mamma so broke she chases a garbage truck with a shopping list
Yo momma's so broke, that robber's broke in and left some change
A guy so broke that he couldn't change his mind
I'm so broke that I claim food as a medical expense.
You know you are really broke when your bologna has no first name!
Ziv and I started watching Season 1 of Big Love a few weeks before the big FLDS thing that's going on in Texas. I LOVE watching TV on DVD. It's sooo satisfying in so many ways. I'm now totally hooked on this show. I'm checking out the website, we've plowed through season 1 and now we're almost done with season 2, I've got this damn song stuck in my head all the time. The big bummer? Season 3 is on the air right now and we won't be able to see it until the DVD comes out. ACK!
This whole plural marriage, making lots of baby stuff has been on my mind endlessly lately. First there was getting hooked on Big Love. At the same time I was listening to (just finished) Empress Orchid by Anchee Min and was reading The Other Boleyn Girl by Phillipa Gregory.
In Empress Orchid, the daughter of a fallen Chinese governor who is now dead is chosen to be one of the Chinese Emperor's seven wives. She's locked in the Forbidden City with the goal of gaining the Emperor's attention, getting pregnant and hope against all hope, having his first born son.
In The Other Boleyn Girl, Mary Boleyn is married to William Carey while she lives at King Henry VIII's court. King Henry gets a crush on her, her family insists that she stop sleeping with her husband to woo the king, then she starts sleeping with him, the goal being that Henry ditch Queen Catherine, who has had one living daughter and several miscarriages and children who died, so that Henry will marry Mary. She does get pregnant by the King with a son and a daughter, but King Henry is still married. He gets bored of her and goes after her sister Anne. Everyone lives at Court, is trying to bed the king and have as many kids as possible by him, hopefully legitimate boys.
This theme repeated over and over and over - bed the guy, reproduce as much as possible, monogamy is not that important. It's all got me thinking.
First with compassion. I went over to the FLDS website about the children being taken away. Those women and children look truly horrified and terrified by what happened to them. Regardless of whether you believe the plural marriage this is right, women and children being torn apart because they are being judged by an outside culture is downright scary. There's a part of me that wants to send a card and say that I am so sorry for them that their life has been so shredded and gotten so scary, Signed the Barren Lesbian Heathen in Minnesota.
The other part of the compassion has a lot to do with my own values. I feel compassion that these women have been treated badly in my opinion. That they've been educated and scared into a lifestyle I wouldn't want for myself or for them, that they have to share the affection for their primary partner in life with others (though they do get the affection and support of those others as well), that they are compelled to dress the way they do, that education seems to be limited, but ultimately, that is my own cultural bias.
Spirituality is a very powerful thing, especially when it's instilled at a very young age and a person lives completely submerged in their spiritual community. I value diversity and learning a lot about the world as much as I possibly can. From what I gather, these other cultures don't. I can understand why even though I disagree with it. I think fear is more powerful than anything and I can completely understand trying to mold one's life so that the things we are most afraid of can't get us.
In all this, I try to get angry at a society that promotes women as breeding machines, but in my recent historical perspective, women as breeding machines is nothing new, and it's not a societal thing we can blame on one society. It's pervasive and damn near universal. Asia, Europe, the Americas - women everywhere have been conditioned to bed the most powerful and have babies and sacrifice. It's not just Texas and it's not just FLDS.
Do I feel like a breeding machine? Yes. Actually, I do. As a woman, I understand that I have an amazing power in me - the ability to carry life. The powerful influence I have on that potential life in womb and out. I know that I could potentially get pregnant without the active or knowing participation of any man. The wonder at knowing that I could populate the world with people who look like me and if I'm given the chance, think like me and do what I ask. That's pretty powerful stuff. The thing is, I know that child bearing is not my only purpose in life and my values say that it is not my most important purpose in life.
As someone who has been told she can no longer have kids without major medical intervention, does my value decrease? Well, my "magical power" does. I can't populate the world like other women can. But fortunately, I live in a culture where my child bearing abilities isn't a major part of my value to the community. In this culture, my other purposes keep me valuable. And frankly, it would be scary for me to live in a FLDS community where my value might be so diminished that I might live in shame or be exiled for it. There's that fear thing again. I think it's why I get a knee jerk reaction to FDLS as an icky thing. Even ickier would be to live in a community that might decide my problems bearing children is a judgment by a greater and wiser power. That I was chosen to be less because of something I am or did. That judgment being shared by a community would be horrible for me. That judgment being internalized would probably kill me.
I think that's all the more reason why I'm so facinated. I wonder how these people so different than I am live and think this way their whole lives. I wonder what my life looks like from their perspective.
